Read all about this interview
|Overcoming Verbal Abuse||
I recently interviewed a Domestic Violence Survivor.
Read all about this interview
I have shed that innocence away from my youthful eyes
There comes a day in our toxic relationships, be it with a friend, lover, or someone from our family, that the veil is lifted. Suddenly we see them not for who they led us to believe them to be, but for exactly who they are. Their charms and manipulations become transparent. We begin to look for a way to cope— always questioning if we shouldn’t just be looking for a way out.
We reference the five stages of grief as a process we go through to cope with loss. Most commonly, it refers to death or a terminal illness. It is, as if, we who endure a toxic relationship are not allowed to cope with such a process ourselves. We must cope with the stigma of walking away from someone we committed our lives to. We must cope with the manipulations from the person who psychologically tortured us. We must move past those fears of abandonment.
I wrote Through the Trees as a means to endure the grieving process. Within the pages of poetry is the deep emotional hurts that faced in each stage of grief, but it also lead to my freedom. I hoped, by allowing myself to connect to each stage, it would assist me in moving from one stage to the next. I challenged myself finally be able to move on free from bitterness or any ill grievances. I wrote it completely in metaphor and symbolism.
Here is how I applied the five stages of grief to ending my toxic relationships.
A toxic person will shroud their intentions in charm. We fall for them. We love them. It is exactly the way they want it to be. Every velvety word, every seemingly gentle touch is nothing more than a ruse. When we are spellbound by them, it is as if a heavy fog has surrounded us. We become lost.
When deception is realized, anger creeps in. We might be angry with ourselves for being so blind or angry that the person we entrusted ourselves to could be so incredibly hurtful. A battle ensues for our self-respect, but someone who has conditioned us so well to doubt ourselves and follow their lead is usually victorious. The anger still writhes under our surface anxiously plotting an escape.
Seemingly defeated, it is not difficult to comprehend this mid-stage. The emotional captor has us under a spell. Feelings of fear, obligation, and guilt consume us. You doubt our worth, and our self-esteem suffers. Sadness fills our days, and depression sets in. We allow ourselves to fill the position that the toxic relationship requires us to occupy. To them, we are no more than an endless pathological supply of self-fulfillment. Our own needs fail to be met or even acknowledged. If we venture outside of this position, we are quickly dismissed and firmly placed back where we belong.
Perhaps we can only endure so much. We begin to see our suffering as unnecessary and pointless. We look for a way to make it all work and for them to have their cake and eat it too. It is the greatest challenge we can embark on and it always leads to epic failure. Our happiness and well being is of no concern to them. Their only hope is that we abide by their rule. Our suffering is what pleases them the most. Alas, still we ponder perfection. We ponder changing ourselves for them. Then we have the age old thought that we can help them change. We attempt to make an exchange. If I do this, then they will not have to do that. I will no longer hurt or be hurt. We can both be happy.
We did all we could do and yet the cycle still continues. We have been alienated from anyone’s rescue. We have endured baiting, blaming, and bullying. We have been gas lighted, groomed, and manipulated. There comes a day when playing the victim is no longer an option. Being a scapegoat is no longer tolerated. We execute that escape. It’s time to let go.
This emotional journey is like walking in the woods and getting terribly lost. In the end, we must dig down to whatever inner strength we have left and hike our way out. In this journey, you are not alone. Let us embrace each step towards reclaiming our willpower and self worth. When the journey finally reaches its conclusions, may we stand and look back finally able to see the forest through the trees.
Guest Blog Post by Nina C. Palmer
Note from Overcoming Verbal Abuse Founder - Nancy Santana
As someone that has gone through all of these five stages through my journey at overcoming verbal abuse. It is so important to invest in your healing.
Much light & love <3
Founder - Overcoming Verbal Abuse
Time comes and goes so quickly. Today I asked myself what can I give you as a token of my light & love. So many of you have shared your story with me. So many share, comment, and continue to support my Overcoming Verbal Abuse Facebook page. As some of you may know. I am a Mind-Body Wellness Practitioner / Empowerment Lifestyle Coach / Intuitive Healer. Many of you that have been with me since day 1 back in June of 2011 when I began my page that I was still living with my abuser. I didn't leave until April of 2012.
I have shared that positive affirmations, meditation, and changing my attitude to a gratitude state changed my life. I shared with you how I would download these positive affirmations onto my iPod and listen to them over and over again while I did household chores etc.
I wanted to give you all a special gift. This gift is an mp3 downloadable of my Positive Affirmations CD ($9.99 value) for free. All you have to do is visit my website by clicking on this link FREE GIFT. Follow the instructions. I know that this will be a blessing in your life. My intention is that you be blessed, loved, supported, and empowered to live a happy life!
I am so happy to offer this to you. If you know of someone that may need this please feel free to forward this post to them so they may benefit of this special gift.
Sending all my love & light.
For those that have been with me since Day 1 - June 29, 2011 - you know how emotional the last few years have been.....so it is only right that I begin 2015 clearing out negative energy from my past....negative items that no longer serve me.
I want to thank you all for being a part of my journey, for sharing your stories with me, for sharing my post, and for commenting on my post....thank you for sharing Overcoming Verbal Abuse!
I had so much to share that I blogged about it on my site - Nancy Santana - please visit and read on....
Founder of O.V.A.
I am reading the book "Women Who Run With the Wolves" By Clarissa Pinkola Estes. It's been on the New York's BESTSELLER List two years. I highly recommend it to all the woman out there. It's a very profound book and my suggestion is to read no more than 2 to 3 pages a day.
I came across this sentence. As I read it, I can recall during my 15 years relationship in which I was "hiding" from the devastation of being abused (life)....I was bleeding inside. I can honestly say that I was so tired of pretending everything was "fine" in front of others that my life's energy was at a loss. I quietly suffered from depression. I can recall times I would cry into a pillow and yell into it saying " I can't take this anymore" and there were times I wanted to run away. My soul was yelling for help.
It wasn't until I went to an abusive counseling appointment in which I recognized my predator (abuser) for what he was.....he was verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusing me. It had started with physical abuse. He would break my property just because he got mad. I have several cell phones which were broken. And two computers.
As I read this sentence I thought about those woman that haven't recognize that they are in an abusive relationship.
It's so important to get help and remove yourself from that relationship.
I just want to thank all of you for your prayers, support, words of encouragement throughout that last two years. It hasn't been easy waiting to "get my day in court" the wait has been hard and long overdue. Today, I raised my right hand and swore to say the truth. My heart is free of guilt because I KNOW I did just that.....while others lied.
I AM and will ALWAYS be a good mother. I was always there for my children. I gave birth to 3 children and I love them equally the same!
I was an abused wife for over 15 years. What started as physical, turned into emotional, physiological, and verbal. Unless you live through that you don't know how you are slowly dying inside.
I have countless of stories that will be shared in the book I plan to write.
I am a free woman today. I pray that God controls the rest.
My past is behind me. I will only speak of my past to encourage, inspire, and motivate woman to seek help and get out of any type of abusive relationship.
I was a victim for too long. I waited and waited....it has all been for my life purpose but if anyone is in an abusive relationship you need to get out NOW! Don't wait until your children are big and the other person can turn them against you as it has happen to me.
I have OVERCOME VERBAL ABUSE!
No one can make you feel guilty or inferior
without your permission.
A mother best serves the needs of her family by
taking care of herself first.
You can't want more for someone else than they
want for themselves.
If you can't change the circumstances, change
Even love has its limits.
By: Pat Gaudette
Verbal abuse can leave lasting scars
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me" - African Proverb
Most of us were probably taught that little chant when we were fairly young. Words can't hurt. Ignore them. Let them slide off your back. Maybe one of your parents repeated them to you when you came home in tears because someone in school called you "fatso," or "stupid," or "fag." Maybe the incident, which may have been one of many, was brushed off as "just kid's play," nothing to be concerned about. And so the next time you just hung your head and kept on going maybe with that little chant playing in your mind.
If you had gone home with scratches and bruises from sticks and stones you might have returned to school the next day accompanied by an indignant parent. The kid who hurt you may have been reprimanded. Your injury wouldn't have been too trivial to ignore.
And that's the difference between the damage caused by physical abuse, which leaves visible marks, and verbal abuse, which marks the victim on the inside. Unlike the marks of physical abuse which will heal, the damage from verbal abuse can compound to cause serious emotional damage to its victim. Anger, depression, and low self-esteem can be products of verbal abuse. and they can last a lifetime.
But not every hurtful word will cause the same type of pain. Something said by a stranger won't have nearly the effect as the same thing said by someone you trust, someone you love, someone you want to please, someone you want to like you - a parent, your spouse, a best friend, an employer. Because the words come from someone you respect you take them to heart and begin to believe they're true. You must be worthless. You must be stupid. They're only words but they're said by someone who knows just which words to use and in what tone to cause you the most pain. And when you hear them said enough times, it becomes easier to believe they're true. You're worthless and stupid.
The most calculating verbal abusers may be friendly and charming to most of the people who know them. Most abusers won't hurl their hurtful words at you when witnesses are around, they will wait until it's just the two of you before unleashing yet more words meant to damage. Living with a verbal abuser keeps you off-balance. They can be extremely pleasant one minute and bitingly vicious the next. They may lash out in anger or refuse to speak to you for days on end until you don't know which is worse, the words or the silence, Either way, it's all your fault. You deserved whatever treatment you got. who could possibly be expected to love someone as insignificant and inferior as you?
Verbal abuse will cause you to doubt yourself, your abilities, your own judgement. Verbal abuse will make you feel insecure and vulnerable, powerless and depressed. No matter how much you try to please, nothing you do will ever be enough to stop the abuse. My first marriage was extremely abusive but it wasn't until I got away from it I realized just how abusive it really was. There were never any bruises, or black eyes, or broken arms. The abuse built up over the years. wrapping around me like heavy chains. When I finally got the courage to walk out of my first marriage it was as though I'd been freed from solitary confinement.
If you're being verbally abused, get help. Call an abuse hotline or join a support group. Get counseling to help uncover and heal the scars. If the wounds are deep enough, they may stay with you for life, but you don't have to stay in an abusive relationship for life, even if it requires distancing yourself from an abusive parent or divorcing an abusive spouse.
If only healing from verbal abuse was as easy as healing from the damage of sticks and stones.
Take care of yourself.
Hi, my name is Nancy. I am a survivor of domestic violence. It was physical, than emotional and lots of verbal abuse. I am a Mind-Body Wellness Practitioner. Specializing in Empowerment Lifestyle Coaching. I am the mother of 3 kids. I love to exercise, sing, read, learn, and inspiring others to live a fulfilled and happy life. Feel free to share these blog post and my Facebook page. Leave your comments as I love to hear from you.